Poetic Text

HOW TO DRESS LIKE A BAD BITCH

IF YOUR JEANS AREN’T TIGHT ENOUGH, THROW THEM IN THE DRIER UNTIL YOU CAN’T BEND OVER IN THEM. THEN BELT THEM. STRAP YOUR TITS INTO A PUSH-UP, IF IT’S NOT PINK THEN WHAT’S THE POINT. PULL YOUR SHIRT DOWN TO THE RIM OF YOUR BRA TO MAXIMIZE YOUR CLEAVAGE. IF YOUR SHIRT ISN’T ONE SIZE TOO SMALL THEN GIVE UP, IT’S A SWEATSHIRT DAY. RAISE YOUR ARMS UP SO THAT THIN LINE OF SKIN ABOVE YOUR JEANS SHOWS, THEN SUCK IT IN WHEN YOU SIT DOWN. LOVE HANDLES ARE OKAY, GUYS LIKE HIPS THEY CAN STEER. EYELINER IS ALWAYS, TOP AND BOTTOM LID, DON’T FORGET THE SMOKY EYE-SHADOW WITH THE WING TIPS. THE BLACKER THE BETTER.

HOW TO CARRY YOURSELF LIKE A BAD BITCH

KEEP YOUR LIPS OPEN SLIGHTLY AS YOU CHEW GUM, AN OCCASIONAL TONGUE SHOW IS ALWAYS A GOOD TEASE. KNOW YOUR LINGO, IF YOU FUCK UP THEY’LL CALL YOU OUT FAST AND YOU’LL BE LABELED AS A FAKE. THE MORE YOU KNOW YOUR SHIT THE HOTTER YOU’LL BE, AND THE MORE YOU CAN TAKE THE FASTER YOU’LL BE CONSIDERED AS ONE OF THE GUYS. ALWAYS BE IN ON THE JOKE, EVEN IF YOU FIND IT OFFENSIVE. POINTS IF YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN.

HOW TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE A BAD BITCH

EVEN IF THERE’S ROOM TO SIT ALWAYS TAKE A LAP. EXTRA POINTS IF YOU WEAR YOGA PANTS – YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FEEL HOW MUCH A GUY WANTS YOU. HUG THE IMPORTANT GUYS AT LEAST THREE TIMES A NIGHT, WHEN YOU FIRST SEE THEM, WHEN YOU’RE BUZZED AND YOU’VE SHARED A MOMENT PACKING A GOOD BOWL TOGETHER, AND BEFORE YOU LEAVE. THE FIRST ONE MUST BE QUICK AND CARELESS, THE SECOND AND THIRD CAN LINGER DEPENDING ON THE NIGHT. HAVE BOTH A RIDE-OR-DIE BITCH AND A SCAPEGOAT. THE FIRST ONE WILL PROVE TO GUYS THAT YOU CAN HAVE HOT FRIENDS, SHE’LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF GUYS START CHANTING, AND SHE’LL JOIN YOU IN A FOURSOME. THE SECOND GIRL YOU SECRETLY THINK ISN’T ALL THAT PRETTY OR IS KIND OF SLOPPY, AND YOU MUST OFTEN MAKE DECLARATIONS THAT SHE CAN’T HANDLE HER DRINK OR THAT SHE’S A LIGHTWEIGHT, BUT SHE’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU IF YOU’RE SICK LATER AND SHE’LL PROBABLY LET YOU CRASH AT HER PLACE.

HOW TO HOOK UP LIKE A BAD BITCH

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’RE GOING TO HOOK UP WITH BEFORE YOU ARRIVE THEN YOU’LL END UP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T WANT. IT’S EASY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT, BUT DON’T LAY IT ON TOO THICK. NEVER HOLD OUT. IF YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD FOR HEAD THEN JUST LICK THE TIP, BUT BE EXPECTED TO PROVIDE A HAND-JOB THROUGH TO FINISH. DO NOT FUCK UP GIVING HEAD. IF YOU USE YOUR TEETH, THEY’LL TALK. IF YOU’RE SLOPPY, THEY’LL TALK. IF YOU CHOKE, THEY’LL TALK. ALWAYS SWALLOW. NEVER LET THEM TAKE PICTURES – THIS IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES STUPID GIRLS MAKE. THE OTHER IS SEX. NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A HOOK-UP. YOU’LL EXHAUST THEM AS A FUTURE OPTION AND CHANCES ARE YOU’LL NEED THEM AGAIN WHEN PICKINGS ARE SLIM. ALWAYS KEEP A LIST – PREVIOUS HOOK-UPS CAN MAKE FOR GOOD SECONDS, BUT ANYMORE THAN THAT AND PEOPLE WILL BEGIN TO THINK YOU’RE GETTING SOFT. ALWAYS UN-DRESS YOURSELF, DON’T EXPECT HIM TO DO IT. LET HIM TAKE YOUR THONG IF HE WANTS IT, IT’LL BE EASIER FOR HIM TO REMEMBER YOU. THE MORE GUYS IN A ROOM THE BETTER BUT BE SURE TO BE WASTED, FOURSOMES ARE NOT FUN FOR EVERYONE. JUST REMEMBER, NOT EVERY NIGHT WILL BE YOUR NIGHT, BUT YOU BETTER HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT ON MONDAY.

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